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✨ Good morning! Today is Wednesday, January 2, 2019 and we’re still trying these to find something that works.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
If you’re like us, it takes more than one day to recover from a night like New Year’s Eve. (Thanks a lot, three-day hangovers.) So since we’re still trying to pull ourselves together, we’re starting the year off with one thing we know will turn our post-champagne frowns upside down: our favourite WTFs of the year.
The Daily WTF has become a much-needed highlight of our days, and we hope you feel the same…so without further ado, here are the top 10 WTFs of 2018. (You’re going to need some tissue for these — and maybe a Gravol.)
The Top 10 WTFs of 2018
• Love Lock Down
One might wonder if Noorul Mahjabeen Hassan’s affinity for video games led her to endure one too many playground taunts of “If you love Tetris so much, why don’t you just marry it?” as the 20-year-old math student from Florida said she intended to do just that. Hassan, who prefers to go by the name “Fractal Tetris Huracan,” identifies as objectum sexual and claims to be romantically attracted to inanimate objects. Past crushes have included a Garmin GPS, a treadmill, a monorail, and a TI-NSpire graphing calculator which she named Pierre and took as her prom date. (“I loved running my finger over [its trackpad] and I used my tongue to touch his buttons,” she says.) (Gag.) But then she decided Tetris was her one and only, and intended to hold a commitment ceremony following her graduation to prove it. (We bet she has a really impressive high score.) Mirror
• Candy Crush
Apparently impulse control is too much to expect when it comes to colourful, squishy candy-like items, even from full-grown adults who should clearly know better. In an attempt to stifle idiots’ people’s urge to poison themselves by eating Tide Pods, chef and Tumblr user “sometimessmarmy” developed an (admittedly totally untested) recipe for an actual candy version of the iconic laundry detergent capsules. The recipe combined sweetened condensed milk, blue and orange Jell-O, and Knox gelatin to create fully edible lookalikes. (Just make sure to keep your candy tin far away from the laundry room to avoid any potentially dangerous — or fabric-staining — mixups.) AV Club
• Photo Crop
Never underestimate the power of Photoshop. A Missouri family got a good laugh when, months after a portrait shoot with a “professional” photographer, they finally received their photos back — and the results were a bit underwhelming to say the least. The photographer’s heavy-handed (and highly unskilled) retouching had turned family’s faces into creepy, featureless masks. (Seriously, you need to see these.) The photo session had taken place on a particularly sunny day, causing harsh shadows on the family’s faces. The photographer then tried to soften the dark shadows, but confessed that “her professor never taught her to retouch photos.” (Yeah, definitely not a fake-it-till-you-make-it situation.) PetaPixel
• Plumbing 101
So you’ve got your Squatty Potty, your wipe warmer, and your Tushy bidet, but there’s another toilet tool you might want add to improve your bathroom routine: consider the poop knife. This handy (and extremely gross) addition to your elimination arsenal, as described by one Reddit user, can be any old utility knife or flat metal implement (say, a ruler) used to chop exceedingly large stools down to a more plumbing-friendly, flushable size. Apparently, this Redditor’s family is genetically disposed to massive sh*ts, so they grew up thinking that all households were equipped with communal (?!?) poop knives — until, at the tender age of 22, they learned this was most certainly not the case. They were hanging at a friend’s place when nature called and, through the bathroom door, they asked to use the family poop knife. The request was met with a mix of confusion, horror, and laughter. (All we have to say is: 💩🔪🤮) BuzzFeed
• A Toupee Too Far
This year, we came full circle from the days of the Brazillian wax. Apparently women (and their lovers, maybe?) tired of the hairless look, and were looking for something a little more coiffed for their pubic styling — at least, according to South Korean fashion designer Kaimin. At Kaimin’s New York Fashion Week runway show, “merkins” (yes, they even have a name) were the surprise accessory trend no one saw coming. Fanny wigs were showcased in a broad range of colours, lengths and styles — including a mohawked number with frosted tips that you’ll never be able to unsee. The thoughtfully styled pieces were coordinated to match the pantless models’ hairdos, leaving no question that yes, the rugs really do match the drapes. Mirror
• Condiment Chaos
If there’s one thing Kickstarter is good for, it’s serving up products absolutely no one asked for. Case in point: Slice of Sauce™. Maker Bo’s Fine Foods invented an alternative to solve the age-old problem of sticky, messy ketchup terrorizing sandwiches by making bread soggy, and embarrassing would-be gourmands with fart sounds on its way out of the bottle. Seriously. It seems these are legit concerns for a lot of people — enough that Bo’s earned more than 200% of its funding goal. The dehydrated fruit leather-like “slices” of ketchup are sold for US $10 per pack of eight portions (the same price as 3L of Heinz — but who’s counting?), and are ready for mess-free enjoyment on “burgers, sandwiches, wraps and more.” (Pretty sure they’re not gonna fly when it comes to dipping your fries, though.) CNET
• Dirty Habits
We regret we introduced you to the Pop It Pal, the “toy” we wish we never knew existed. This super fun extremely disgusting “kit” consists of a slab of fake flesh, a bottle of fake yellow pus, and a “filling tool.” Pump the fake zits full of pus, and squeeze to your heart’s content for hours of fun. And, this isn’t a one-time use plaything; refill bottles of the pus (made from “all-natural” oils) are available for purchase. Designers of the inclusive trinket even kept racial inclusivity in mind, offering both light and dark skin tones. (Yay?) It’s the perfect gift for the Dr. Pimple Popper-lover in your life. (For the record: that’s not us. Also, to whoever buys this: y’all are a bunch of sickos.) Mashable
• Spin Masters
Look, we’re all for finding ways to reduce waste, and we’re even willing to invest in appliances that help us do that when it makes sense (legit we could not live with our SodaStream, thanks). But trust: no one needs a US $490 device to stir their coffee. Not even a coffee shop. And yet, such a thing was invented this year. The Stircle promises to revolutionize your morning routine and save the planet by eliminating the need for the disposable stir sticks. Place your lidded to-go cup on the motor-powered platform (which is inset into a countertop), and it proceeds to spin around real fast in one direction, and then the other, agitating the liquid to blend in the milk and sweetener. (Not clear? Here’s the v. high tech demo video.) Thing is, there’s another waste-free invention that does this job just as well (actually, better, maybe) that’s been around for centuries: A metal teaspoon. The Takeout
• Odour Armour
Whether you admit it or not, we’ve all faced the horror that comes with having to fart in public. (Science says your average human produces half a litre of fart gas a day, so it’s really unavoidable.) And while ripping a loud one is embarrassing enough, it’s those silent-but-deadly stinkers that really give us anxiety (and don’t get us started on sharting). Since holding it in isn’t as appealing (or easy) as we’d like (warning: only click this link if you have a strong stomach), someone came up with an ingenious solution: Flatulence Jeans. The apty named garment is designed with “a carbon lining which eliminates odours” to give “increased protection and more freedom to enter social situations.” Made by U.K.-based brand Shreddies, the jeans for men and women “offer a double layer of protection” when worn with the company’s signature “flatulence filtering underwear.” (What a time to be alive.) Mirror
THE RUNNERS UP
There were way too many WTF moments last year to narrow it down to just 10.
• That one time ABC got confused between American restaurant chain P.F. Chang’s and Pyeongchang in its Olympic broadcast.
• The fact that middle-aged women in Britain started “brieing” this year (a.k.a. taking MDMA mixed with brie cheese).
• When police in New York had a full-blown standoff with a stuffed tiger.
• Speaking of animals, remember when the Detroit Zoo gave out actual buckets of sh*t to its visitors?
• And remember when authorities in Russia painted their snow white (to hide the fact that it was dirty AF from pollution)? Yeah, that happened last month.